Tuesday, December 7, 2010


I was in a mood when I wrote that last post, but, on principle, I will not edit it.

The strange thing is that I had just had a really nice day.

Now I want to counteract the mood set by my last post with something pleasant. I haven't posted something really pleasant in a while. Mostly frustration and criticisms of things that I have been frustrated with.

I am a happy person.

I put smiley faces in my text messages because I'm smiling as I type them :)

Sometimes I zone out while looking at nature.

I love Grandma's Homestyle Fudge Chocolate Chip Cookies, and I can get them from the campus vending machine for 65¢!

I know a lot of very beautiful people.

I get to dance with my friends every Friday!

I play super hero games on my phone.

I have a massive family and they all live right here!!

My hair is finally long enough to wear in a ponytail, so I do.

My dad calls me whenever I post a "concerning" blog post or Facebook status.

There is a girl in my Abnormal Psychology class who is a good example of every lecture.

I have 23 followers. Most of whom I don't know.

I might be late for class because I insisted on sitting here writing about happy things.

It is a needful thing for a brain like mine to have a place to overflow. Thank you all for reading my blog.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Broken Penny

There have been 106,456,367,669 people that have lived on this planet based off of a research done in 2002. There are just over 6 Billion people living now which means that you, as an individual are 0.0000000009% of all of the humans reported to have ever lived. Don't check my math, but break a penny into one hundred billion pieces and one piece is more than you're worth in the pocket of the richest man alive.

Congratulations on your college degree and six figure income, but guess what: Subtract your age from about 80 and that's how many years you have left on this earth and then what will it matter because you'll be dead.

I couldn't sleep because I was thinking about these numbers, so I had to write them down. If you're still reading then there is something really wrong with you. Don't worry though because there's something wrong with me too and that's why I'm here now.

If I don't matter then what does? Really. What does? I'm asking you. I don't know, but I know a few things that don't. I'm special because most people don't know what I know. Most Americans grow up in suburbs and are taught that they should go to a public school and then a private university. They should get a degree and then work 9 - 5.

The 2006 - 2008 American Census says that 27% of Americans between 25 - 34 have degrees. It is also reported that most people who obtain degrees will end up in jobs that don't require them. Lets say that most means 51% and conclude that 87% of Americans DO NOT achieve this goal. Great job, America. Can we say, "Unrealistic Expectations?"

If we have an estimated 13% success rate then why do we do it? There is a 16% chance of death while playing Russian Roulette. Think about that. Why do we continue on, generation after generation preaching this nonsense? I think that it is because, even though deep down we all know the truth, we're either afraid to speak up or we're too distracted by the fantasy.

I, as the Champion of Mediocrity, choose to speak up. I don't have anything new or revolutionary to say, but I have to say it. Not for you, but for me.

I have a mediocre job and a mediocre apartment. Other mediocre things that I have include, but are not limited to: my fashion sense, my academic ability, my spirituality, my love life, and my social status.

This isn't a confessional or a plea for approval, this is a declaration that I am aware that mediocre is a relative adjective with no real meaning except weight given to it by that which the subject is compared to. This post is a spit in the face of all of those who have set their arrogant standard by which they measure the worth of the lives of others. It may be juvenile, but, what can I say? I'm in a spiteful mood and I need to somehow get rid of these beer goggles of life that I've been given.

I realize all of this but it hasn't made any significant change in my life. This bugs me. I think that it is easy to realize the falseness of something, but then exponentially more difficult to find the truth. Lies don't make great things happen, nor does the uncovering of one. Truth is the only real motivator.

I'm sorry if you hoped to read some great moral statement or learn something truly inspiring by my post, but this isn't that kind of entry. If you have read this and had something come to mind, please comment. I don't care if what came to mind was the fact that you had to go to the bathroom.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Academic Insanity

[I wrote this in my Calculus notebook last year before class while I should have been studying for my test. I forgot about it until now and realize what a tragedy it has been that I forgot about it. Even though this was written a year ago, these thoughts are still mine and I stand by them.]

I'm losing my mind. I must be because I am seeing the same thing as everyone else but I seem to be the only one who thinks it is not normal. I told them that I wanted to study psychology and here I sit, studying Calculus. I don't know what is crazier; that they perscribed this, or that I paid them my hard earned money and did it. I think the latter, which adds to my claim that I am losing my mind.

It all started around August of 2003. That was seven years ago. I sat in some office of some college in California and told somebody that I aspired to be a Psychologist. Since that time, I have taken approximatly five semesters of English, four semesters of Math, five semesters of Spanish, four semesters of History, countless semesters of who knows what and one, yes... one semester of Psychology [now two]. Mind you, I did take two years off for a mission, so it has taken me a calculated five years and many thousands of dollars to learn the most basic principles of Psychology and that this system is obviously not working for me. One of those basic principles of Psychology that I learned is that the defining characteristic of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Realizing that I am losing my mind fuels my desire to cure my insanity, not add to it.

Because of this realization, I have decided to do some deciding. my first decision is that I no longer want to study Psychology. My second is that no matter what it is that I decide to persue in life, this system will not work for me. It is undeniably evident that this system works for many people. All people? No. Most people? No, but many people.

So I have decided what is not going to work and what I don't want to do, but now I have to decide what I do want to do and what will work. If I stay like this for long, I fear that it may... become me, and I don't want to become "undefined."

Some may say, and at times in the past I may have been tempted to believe, that my lack of success has been the result of laziness. If you are tempted to believe this, may I refer you to the part about my five plus years and thousands of dollars worth of investment in this cause?

I received top marks in my one psychology course, but failed to achieve that in any of my other acidemic classes in all my college years. My lack of success is easily traced through my lack of motivation and down to my lack of desire. I never wanted to study Math nor Computers or even English. Is there any fault to be found in me for only wanting to acquire skills necessary for me to excell in my chosen profession? Absolutely not! In fact this desire should be commended and this truth justifies my desire and in turn my lack of motivation and success!

My point is that I don't belong here. My education is no longer an investment but an expense and I have no money for expenses and no patience for endevers that are fruitless time waisters.

My thoughts after these are vague. My decisions are yet undecided. My realization is that I have lived almost one third of my expected lifespan and I have no direction and no measurable skills to show for my twenty five years of life. It is time to do something.

The first thing I will do is find out what my true desire is and then perscribe for myself a method to achieve it.

[After writing this, I did so poorly on my test that I didn't bother ever going back to class.]

Poetic Observation

Written last year, this entry was inspired by my calculus class in all of its ridiculousness. The teacher taught from slides and the left door was covertly locked. This was the first thing that I wrote in my notebook for that semester and it is heretoforerepresented in exactness.

Calculus is My Favorite!

We learn this magical art from the mystical blue screen of death! Our first task is to enter through the right door! But first, one must travel through the perilous construction... with no hard hat!

Oh the melodramatic insanity! Oh the bitter trial! Oh the majestic classroom which is the destruction of many a hopeful prodigy!

To calculate or not to calculate!? Is that even a question? Oh to take the complexities of this world and represent them! Represent as numbers and symbols and symbols for numbers. All of this in effort to simplify and quantify.

Oh retched door. The mocking blockade. The damning force. The vicious guardian with... no quantifiable purpose.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Just Me

This is my first time blogging from my phone. Its slow going so hopefully I don't make a habit of it.

Today is a red day. Last night the health care bill passed and while I have much to say on the subject, I will suffice it to say that I got the news via text by Angela, who, no doubt, figured that I would want to talk about it. Usually I would and I am mostly outspoken about things that I disapprove of, but there was something in it that made me feel betrayed and altogether violated by those who I am supposed to trust. I was so upset that I told Angela that I didn't want to talk about it and I went to bed early. So early, in fact, that I woke up today two hours before my alarm.

Work was regular today, but splashed with he occasional comment about the bill and after work, once my mind wasn't occupied, I couldn't sit still. I couldn't think a moment's thought without it being some horrible thought about the government. I knew I had to do something, so I put on my running shorts and ran to my old house where my old roommate was gardening. After making small talk with him, I carried on running to Angela's house. She wasn't home, so I turned around and ran back home. I haven't done the math yet, but it was probably only a couple miles each way. Although I didn't experience any great Aha moment, I felt a thousand times better. I felt peace. Maybe that is "Aha Moment" material. It was a reminder that even though our great country is being lead in a treacherous course, there is still peace to be had.

I am cursed with the big picture. I am cursed with an overpowering desire to care about how this country is ran. I can't convince myself to ignore it or fool myself into thinking that it doesn't matter. Therefore it is typically difficult for me to find peace.

No matter what kind of corruption is happening in the world, I know that I am still free to live my own principles and to enjoy life for all the little things that it will always offer: like fresh air, old friends, and people to love.

I do hope that our dear, wayward country finds the truth soon, but in the meantime, I will continue my struggle for life and peace.