Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Academic Insanity

[I wrote this in my Calculus notebook last year before class while I should have been studying for my test. I forgot about it until now and realize what a tragedy it has been that I forgot about it. Even though this was written a year ago, these thoughts are still mine and I stand by them.]

I'm losing my mind. I must be because I am seeing the same thing as everyone else but I seem to be the only one who thinks it is not normal. I told them that I wanted to study psychology and here I sit, studying Calculus. I don't know what is crazier; that they perscribed this, or that I paid them my hard earned money and did it. I think the latter, which adds to my claim that I am losing my mind.

It all started around August of 2003. That was seven years ago. I sat in some office of some college in California and told somebody that I aspired to be a Psychologist. Since that time, I have taken approximatly five semesters of English, four semesters of Math, five semesters of Spanish, four semesters of History, countless semesters of who knows what and one, yes... one semester of Psychology [now two]. Mind you, I did take two years off for a mission, so it has taken me a calculated five years and many thousands of dollars to learn the most basic principles of Psychology and that this system is obviously not working for me. One of those basic principles of Psychology that I learned is that the defining characteristic of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Realizing that I am losing my mind fuels my desire to cure my insanity, not add to it.

Because of this realization, I have decided to do some deciding. my first decision is that I no longer want to study Psychology. My second is that no matter what it is that I decide to persue in life, this system will not work for me. It is undeniably evident that this system works for many people. All people? No. Most people? No, but many people.

So I have decided what is not going to work and what I don't want to do, but now I have to decide what I do want to do and what will work. If I stay like this for long, I fear that it may... become me, and I don't want to become "undefined."

Some may say, and at times in the past I may have been tempted to believe, that my lack of success has been the result of laziness. If you are tempted to believe this, may I refer you to the part about my five plus years and thousands of dollars worth of investment in this cause?

I received top marks in my one psychology course, but failed to achieve that in any of my other acidemic classes in all my college years. My lack of success is easily traced through my lack of motivation and down to my lack of desire. I never wanted to study Math nor Computers or even English. Is there any fault to be found in me for only wanting to acquire skills necessary for me to excell in my chosen profession? Absolutely not! In fact this desire should be commended and this truth justifies my desire and in turn my lack of motivation and success!

My point is that I don't belong here. My education is no longer an investment but an expense and I have no money for expenses and no patience for endevers that are fruitless time waisters.

My thoughts after these are vague. My decisions are yet undecided. My realization is that I have lived almost one third of my expected lifespan and I have no direction and no measurable skills to show for my twenty five years of life. It is time to do something.

The first thing I will do is find out what my true desire is and then perscribe for myself a method to achieve it.

[After writing this, I did so poorly on my test that I didn't bother ever going back to class.]

Poetic Observation

Written last year, this entry was inspired by my calculus class in all of its ridiculousness. The teacher taught from slides and the left door was covertly locked. This was the first thing that I wrote in my notebook for that semester and it is heretoforerepresented in exactness.

Calculus is My Favorite!

We learn this magical art from the mystical blue screen of death! Our first task is to enter through the right door! But first, one must travel through the perilous construction... with no hard hat!

Oh the melodramatic insanity! Oh the bitter trial! Oh the majestic classroom which is the destruction of many a hopeful prodigy!

To calculate or not to calculate!? Is that even a question? Oh to take the complexities of this world and represent them! Represent as numbers and symbols and symbols for numbers. All of this in effort to simplify and quantify.

Oh retched door. The mocking blockade. The damning force. The vicious guardian with... no quantifiable purpose.